Worst teacher ever!!!!!

First I must address what my definition of a bad teacher is......for me a really bad teacher would be one that doesnt not respect the students and their needs as such, someone who fails to teach the required ciriculum, and one who also is practically there to recieve a pay check.

So with that being said, have I ever had a teacher meet these horrible standards? I think not. Ive never really had a bad teacher, therefore I cannot pick which would be the worst. Yes, I have dealt with teachers that dont necessarily know how to control high school students, but I tried as much as I could to help said teacher and I dont regard them as being a bad teacher. And yes, I have also dealt with teachers that I dont necessarily like their teaching methods. But I think that is part of what high school is about, you're not going to like all of your college proffesors teaching methods; and just like all students are different in the way that they learn things, teachers are also different in the way they provide a learning atmosphere. Dealing with both situations has helped me to grow and adapt to the world around me. I think everyone has a moment in their lives when they truly relize that this world is not going to be EVERYTHING that they want it to be. There will be times that we are going to get dissapointed and hurt, but hey that's part of living.

Friends, family, or goals???

My family and friends have always come before me and the goals Ive set for my life. Well, in reality Ive always found ways to reach my goals and provide for my family and friends in different ways.

Growing up was pretty hard. My parents split when I was little, and I was living with my mom. I really didnt get to see my dad much except for every other weekend, going back to as long as I can remeber. (Well until like 5 years ago when me and my younger sister moved in with my dad full time). But anyways, my older sister practically raised me because my mom was working and stuff, so in turn I practically raised my younger sister. Beyond that when my mom hooked up and married my step-dad things got bad pretty fast. I hated being at our house. Therefore my friends became my family, super fast. I was literally crashing at my best friends' houses so often that I pretty much moved in with them. I was living out of cardboard boxes for a while. My friends became my family. They watched out for me and protected me and I actually felt safe for once when I was with them. So yeah my family (friends included) have always been my number one. I guess I feel like my goals, the ones I set on my own, will eventually work out because I set them around my other priorities. But like Ive said in a previous entry, sometimes I feel like Im putting my goals on the back burner, so to speak. But hey thats just the type of girl I am. Ive always been that way and I doubt that I will change that fact, its part of me that is so unique.

Senioritis

Well, Im truly not feeling the effects of senioritis just yet. Im crossing my fingers that I dont ever get the full effects of it though. Im glad Im a senior this year and I cant wait to be out of high school, but Im going to miss so many people that I doubt I will stay away from the school for too long. Ive met some many awesome people that I hope I will stay friends with for a very long time. Plus the thought of leaving all these fabulous teachers behind, i.e The Wallace Twins, Mrs. Nocera (yes you) and all the other phanominal teachers Ive had over the years is like impossible.
My older brother Daniel had the worst case of senioritis that I have ever seen. He was barely in class and when he was he did like no work. He would show up for like 2 classes a day, sometimes less. I cant even remeber how many cuts he had. He had it made though cause my mom gave him notes all the time, or called out for him. Or maybe that was him signing the notes and making the calls. LOL I dont know. It was a miricle that he actually passed his senior year.
But I always promised myself that I would get through senior year just like all the others. Taking one day at a time, and getting the 4.0 Ive always wanted. Sure there are days that I dont wanna do work and really dont wanna get out of bed, but then I think about all the school I had ahead of me and that I cant quit now. I must do this, not only for myself, but to prove all the people who thought that I couldnt make it wrong, and to make the people who said I could proud.
I dont think senioritis will effect me much this year. At least I still have my fingers crossed that it wont. :) But, hey dont get me wrong, Im sure as hell ditching on senior ditch day. It will be the first day that Ive ditched in my whole school career. Can anyone say Beach?????

Free Topic #10 (Chapter Two)

As Ashlynn and Sierra pulled onto the street where Owen lived, Ashlynn had a funny feeling she was not meant to be there.

"Sierra, somethings wrong. Maybe we should go."

"Nah, girl. Look at how many cars are here. This is gonna be the bash of the year. If we leave, we'll look like losers!" Sierra emphasised!

Ashlynn wasn't one to give into peer pressure, but she had to admit that the party did look like fun. 'Plus' she thought, 'What else am I gonna do all night?'

"Alright," she said," but if anything goes down, we're outta here."

Ashlynn pulled to the end of the street and parked the car. As soon as the car stopped, Sierra was out and on the street. 'Dang she really wants to be here tonight!' Ashlynn thought. Ashlynn shoved the gear into park of her convertable blue Mustang and hopped out. Sierra had already reached the front door and was waiting to enter with Ashlynn, when she realized she had forgotten her bag.

"Go on in, Sierra, I forgot my purse!" she hollered.

"You, sure?"

"Yea, I will be just a sec!" Sierra was already going inside and Ashlynn wasn't about to be in this neighborhood, at night, by herself for to long, so she rushed to her car. She unlocked the door and reached in for her bag. She straightened herself out and closed the door to lock it when she saw him in the reflection. The most beautiful man she had ever seen. He had startled her to the point that she jumped from her shoes.

"Oh my gosh, you scared the crap out of me!" she said as she put her hand to her chest to calm her pounding heart.

"I'm so sorry. I did not mean to frighten you. I just came to ask if this was the party of Owen Sanchez." the mysterious man asked in a foreign accent.

'No wonder I didn't recognize him. He must not be from around here.' she pondered.

"Your not from around here are you?" she decided to ask.

"No, ma'am, I am not. I met Owen and Devin, I believe it was, at the party supply in town and they invited me. But since I do not know my way around these parts, I figured I should ask a gorgeous young lady for directions."

'Wow, he sure sounds fantastic. And he looks amazing.' she thought. 'Ashlynn, get a hold of yourself. You just barely met the guy. Calm down, breathe.'

"Well for not knowing your way around, you're doing great. This is the residence of Owen Sanchez. And, actually, Im attending this gathering as well if you would like to walk with me." she felt stupid for using elegant words, but she WAS trying to impress him.

"Now that is quite a coincidence. I would love to accompany you. May I?" he wrapped her arm through his as she shook her head 'yes'.

They walked to the door when he finally asked her name.

"My name is Ashlynn. And your's?"

"Oh, my appologies. My name is Sam. It a plessure to meet you Ashlynn. What a beautiful name to match such a beautiful woman." he said as he kissed her hand before he opened the door for her. They entered together and danced all night. But little did Ashlynn know, she had just met the man that would bring her demise.

TO BE CONTINUED........

Free Topic #9 (Chapter One)

As she sat twirling her hair, she stared at the vacant screen which was supposed to contain her English paper that was due the following day. 'Why did I decide to come to the library?' she thought aimlessly. She knew that she would not be able to concentrate with so many people hanging around the lounge. But she figured if she stayed at the dorm, she REALLY wouldnt get any work done.

"Ashlynn, hey gurl!"

She turned as she heard her name being hollered from the other end of the room. 'No, Ive been discovered,' she contemplated. Walking toward Ashlynn with determination buring deep within, was Sierra.

"Hey, Sierra. Whats up?" Ashlynn declared with fake enthusiasm. She really need to finish this essay.

"Well I called around and found out that there is going to be a HUGE, and I mean huge, bash tonight at Owen's place. I came to find you so that we can plan what to wear!" The look on Sierra's face said she desperatly wanted to go.

"Well, Sierra Im really sor....."

"Please, dont say it. If you really dont wanna hang with me its fine." Her faced dropped in dismay.

"No, thats not it. Its just I have the English paper to finish for Duff's class. And its due tomorrow and if I dont finish it Im not gonna pass the class and my mom is gonna kill me and Im not gonna get into a good college..." I rambled until Sierra cut in.

"Dude, calm down. Duff posted a bulletin saying that the essay wont be due till next Thursday because he had a family emergency or something. Geez, girl, you NEED a break. Come out with me tonight. Devin will be there." With the last statement Sierra's smile increased until she was grinning ear to ear.

Ashlynn blushed as she tried to pretend that she didnt care. She said nonchalantly, "maybe I can make it after all, since it looks like Im not THAT busy." Deep down, her heart was screaming and she felt she would pop from the butterflies in her stomach. She knew Devin was her soul mate and she would do just about anything to get him to notice her. She had to be at that party! This would be the night that she worked up the courage to finally talk to him.

TO BE CONTINUED..........

Free Topic #8

So I heard this song recently and I think that it is an amazing song. Here are the lyrics:

"I Still Believe"

Some how I know I will find a way

To a brighter day in the sun

Somewhere I know that he waits for me

Someday soon he'll see I'm the one

I won't give up on this feeling

And nothing will keep me away

'Cause I still believe in destiny

That you and I were meant to be

I still wish on the stars as they fall from above

'Cause I still believe

Believe in love

I know what's real cannot be denied

Although it may hide for a while

With just one touch love can conquer fears

Turning all your tears into smiles

It's such a wondrous feeling

I know that my heart can't be wrong

'Cause I still believe in destiny

That you and I were meant to be

I still wish on the stars as they fall from above

'Cause I still believe

Believe in love

Love can make miracles

Change everything

Lift you from the darkness and make your heart sing

Love is forever

When you fall

It's the greatest time of them all

'Cause I still believe in destiny

That you and I were meant to be

I still wish on the stars as they fall from above

'Cause I still believe

Believe in love

Yes I still believe

Believe in love

Still believe in love

I still believe

Believe in love

Today love is thrown around like it means nothing. Nothing at all. Because of this factor, people are slowing forgetting to believe in love. But I think that no matter how the term love is thrown around I think people should still believe in it. Therefore, I choose to believe in love no matter how much it seems unnecessary or unrealistic. Love is awesome.

Free Topic #7

So yesterday was fun!!!! We had my niece's party at the local park and the theme was princess, so both of my nieces were dressed in costumes, as well as a friend's daughter dressed up as Snow White. They were all adorable. I even played football with my brother, which given certain things from our past is amazing. Let's just say that my brother and I didn't see eye to eye on certain things for a long time. But it's all good now which is good. LOL But anyways. I'm sitting here eating ice cream and trying so hard to figure out something philisophical to write about, but I can't seem to think of anything.

Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams. - Ashley Smith

So I found the quote above and figured out something to write about. Beauty and life. Life is beautiful, every aspect of it. It's truly amazing how the rain falls, how it smells and how it makes everything clean and new. It's refreshing. Little children are amazing as well. Their little smiles and their little giggles bring smiles and laughter to the ones around them. I think us, grown ups, forget to believe in the little things. I think we forget to stop and smell the coffee. We just act like we are so very busy with life and all the aspects of life that we forget to stop and examine the beauty all around us. I challenge all to stop today and look at beautiful things.

Free Topic #6

So today we are celebrating one of my niece's birthdays. I'm kind of excited cause I haven't seen her in a little while. We are going to a park to celebrate her 2nd birhday. I can't believe she is two already and my other niece is 3. It's crazy how we grow up so fast. Even when I look at my life and how fast I have grown up, it's kinda scary. I'm going to be 18 this year, in only a few short months. It's freaky cause I look back and remeber the good ol' days, the ones with little fears and a whole lot of wasted tears, and I wonder where the time has gone. Life is flying by, I wanna grasp it and hold on for dear life. I know this probably sounds crazy to some but seriously, things just don't feel the same for me any more. LOL But whatever, thats my little rant about time and ages and birthdays.

Questionable Values?????

Life! A very complicated thing, for lack of a better word. Things have happened in my life, many things for that matter, that have caused me to question what I truly believe and certain values that I have. So here a poem that explains some of them:

That night I chose to stay out all evening,

dancing in the sweet smelling rain,

disregarding the sickness

that would soon cause so much pain.

That night I chose to fly away,

that lonely frost bitten night,

escaping all my fears,

while fists collided in a bloody fight.

That night I chose to puch the cold hard steel

deep into my leg,

screaming for the numbness to cease,

crying cause I neednt beg.

That night he told me I chose to fall in love,

to have his hands caress my skin,

praying for death,

and in that moment hating ALL men.

I chose that sickness,

I chose that flight,

I chose that razor,

and evidently chose to lose that fight.

But today I chose

to stand up tall,

with my head held high,

never again to feel that small.

For the power's been within me,

it's been there all along.

It's allowed me to make choices,

and to sing my own song.

So no more sickness,

and no more fears.

No more blades,

and no more tears.

Today I stand,

cause it's my choice,

to sing and dance,

and share my voice.

So from the poem you can see certain things that I have been through that may have questioned my beliefs. But other things have happened TO me, out of my control that have also made me question certain things. Like the passing of my very best friend, my grandma. But other things too. Like why is there sickness and death anyways? Why are there harmful things present in out lives? But I guess that's all just a part of living. If there weren't some risks, then would it really be living?

Greed

Money!!!! Hahaha nuff said right. Money drives me nuts though! Maybe it's the fact that I never really have any. When I do get money I have to spend it right away, either on gas or other necessities. Therefore, when I hear, or see, people being greedy and hurting people just to get themselves at a higher status, it pisses me off. It's like what the hell, here you are doing pretty freaking well for yourself, and I'm struggling to make ends meet, a long with a lot of other people, and you're gonna be a jerk face and be greedy. Agh!!! Escpecially with the economy the way it is today, we don't need greedy people. The rich only getting richer and the poor only getting poorer. We are a society that is supposed to benefit the whole. So quit being jerkfaces everyone and help some brothers out, or sisters for that matter.

A disapointing gift!

Well I've really never gotten a disappointing gift myself but I have watched my aunt be disappointed by certain gifts that her 'friends' have given her. Apparently these 'friends' are supposed to be her good close friends, well for her birthday, on more then one occasion, they have given her reused gifts. See I could understand doing this is the present was never opened or used, but you see it seems that these people forgot the memo about that small detail. They give her gifts that have been opened and sometimes even used. But that is just a minor detail, another horrible thing that someone can do is give you a gift that was already given to them by you, which has happend too. If you are going to reuse gifts, as least remember who gave you what gift. Common sense people! But it's not this fact that bugs her the most either, it's the fact that this shows her that her so called friends couldnt take the time to think of a thoughtful gift. She has told me on many occasions that she would rather them not give her anything and just say happy birthday. It's messed up to sit there and think that you have the best friends in the world and then they treat you like that. Come on friends, pick up the pace!!!!

Letter of recomendation

So a letter of recommendation for the real me, huh? Well it would go something like this:

To whom it may concern,

Christina Badberg is an amazing women. She always looks out for others, worrying about their well-being over her own. She is always seeking to learn more and more things daily, thriving for a higher education. She is a caring and loving sister and daughter, as well as a compassionate friend. Although she may seem like a very strong person on the outside, do not allow her to fool you. She has a very scared and timid inner being. Christina comes across as a young lady that allows nothing to bother her, but it is a front, she feels pains, hurts, and dissapointments. Because she is a great person she often does not give herself enough time to just be herself and have fun, which is healthy.
Christina is a beautiful young women, but most of all she contains a beautiful spirit, constantly trying to better herself and her surrounds. She will be fantastic at whatever she puts her mind and energy to.
Thank you.
The Real Me.

Cheesy I know but hey, lol

My Theme Song

So my theme song would have to be Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. It was hard for me to pick just one song that would decribe my mood, but then I got to thinking that my moods are always subject to change. Then I thought about intro songs for TV shows and how they never change but how they kind of describe the show or a character on that show. So I was listening to Lessons Learned by Carrie and it hit me that that song describes what will never change about me; the things that I have accomplished and the things that I have gone through. So if it was made into my own personal theme song it would never have to change because it is a timeless song; I am constantly growing and learning new things! So here are the lyrics to a priceless, well-written song:

There's some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That had some better endings,

Been some bad times I've been through,

Damage I cannot undo.

Some things,

I wish I could do all all over again,

But it don't really matter,

When life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,

Some chances I just threw away,

Some roads,

I never should have taken,

Been some signs I didn't see,

Hearts that I hurt needlessly,

Some wounds,

That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,

But it don't make no difference,

The past can't be rewritten,

You get the life you're given,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,

Are the things that make you strong!

You can't change the past,

Cause it's gone.

And you just gotta move on,

Because it's all

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

From every change, life has thrown me.

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Lessons learned.

Lessons learned.

Free Topic #5

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting my dreams on hold. Like with college. I thought I wanted to go out of state, but now it seems like I'm being pushed into going to VVC. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying to much about making everyone else happy that Im killing myself inside. I dont know how to fix it. I want to help my family and friends, but where is the balance for what they want for me and what I want for myself. Its like a trapt feeling, never pleasing myself but never being able to please them, too. Sometimes I dont know if there truly is a balance between the two. I wish there was. More then anything. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im worried about all these this that are coming shortly in the future. Im scared outta my mind. Where am I going to be? What am I going to be doing? If someone was to sit me down and ask me where I saw myself in five, ten, twenty years, I doubt that I could answer. I just dont know where I see myself. I hope that it would include establishing a great career and a family but I just dont know.
Also, something else that has been bugging me. Why do I truly want a relationship with my mom? After everything she has done and put me through, why do I still crave that love and approval? Why cant I just hate her like I want to so very much? It would make everything so much easier. If I could just hate her and walk away then she couldnt hurt me anymore. I couldnt torture myself, wanting something that I will never get. I dont think that my mom is physically or mentally capable of loving me. I have tried so hard for so long to win her approval and I dont think she ever even tried to give it to me. Sometimes I feel as if Im never good enough, that no matter what I do will ever be good enough. I know its not true by looking at my accomplishments, but I dont like the way that not having her love and approval makes me feel inferior. Agh!!!! I just wish things could be so different. I know that no matter how much I wish that it would change, it wont. I wish I knew what was going to happen to me, I wish that I knew absolutly that everything was going to work out okay. I guess part of me knows that it will. I guess Im just super impatient about certain things.

Free Topic #4

This little one tries as hard as she can

Do anything just so she could fit in

She wants a friend so bad she'll do whatever they tell her

To make them smile she would misbehave

But all the while they would laugh in her face

She begins to cry because she thought that they liked her

Even though you feel all alone

It can't rain everyday

It don't rain forever

Your sunshine may be gone but I know

It can't rain everyday

It don't rain forever

He works hard everyday of his life

For his son on the way and his beautiful wife

But today he got a call from his job they got something to tell him.

They laid him off now he's out on the streets

He's got to do what it takes so his family can eat

He can't even look at his wife because he feels like he failed them

[ chorus ]

Rain down! rain down! rain down! so let it rain down!

Rain down! rain down! rain down on me now!

A young lady's been lost for awhile

But that's ok now she's having a child

She finally got what she wants.

she's got someone who loves her

But this morning she woke up in pain.

Nobody had to tell her because she knew right away

So she started to cry because she won't be a mother.

[ chorus ]

Rain down! rain down! rain down! rain down on me!

Rain down! rain down! rain down!

When I first heard this song I was at a low point in my life. When I heard the chorus say that it cant rain everyday, I was completely relieved. I relized that it truly doesnt rain everyday. Yeah there are times throughout the year that rain constantly, but its not all year long; maybe just a couple months outta the year. So now when I hit the low points in my life, I listen to this song, and also picture life being the roller coaster that it is; I can only go up from here.

Heroes

I wish that I could say that my heroes are something standard, like Batman or Superman.....but I guess in reality my heroes are or rather should be considered Supermen and women. My heroes, my role models, are the ones fighting and dying so that I can sit in a comfortable room, with my laptop, and write on a blog. The women and men that are fighting for our freedoms; dying for them. They are half way across the world, in foreign countries, living without the comforts of their own homes, and major technologies like cell phones and computers. They work all day and most nights, in very hot weather and extremely cold weather; all to protect American and what we stand for.

Some days I ask myself is this war really necessary. And right now I just wish that we could bring all our troops home safe and sound. Even if I dont agree with the wars that we fight, I will forever support our troops, because in reality we are only as free as much as we are willing to fight for it.

Free Topic #3

Senior year...... what can I say about senior? Well when I first thought about my senior year, I thought that it was going to be very stressful and filled completely with hard classes; which meant that I once again was going to have no social life and was going to be doing homework until the crack of dawn every night. Ha ha ha..... I couldn't have been more wrong. When I filled out my class sheet for this year, I figured I really could have fun with my classes, so I chose easy classes like graphic arts and a T.A. position. But when I got to school I thought that my whole schedule was going to be horrible because I only got 3 of the classes that I actually wanted. They gave me Choir 3 again and gave me child development. My first thoughts were, "great this is gonna suck." And after that first day, seeing who was all in my classes and who was not....I decided that I was gonna change them. But while I was waiting for my appointment to come around with the counselors, I thought to myself, "maybe there is a reason that my schedule was made this way and maybe I should just keep it." So I did.I found that I rarely ever have homework, which will be fantastic when I get a job, and my classes are really fun. I am learning so much in my child development class, maybe more about myself and my own partial childhood then actual children, right now. But I laugh everyday, in almost every class. I'm having a blast. I always said that my senior year would be the best and now I'm doing everything in my power to make it that way........SENIOR CLASS OF '09!!!!!!!!

Free Topic #2

I absoluutly love my nieces. They are perfect in my eyes, even though they are 3 and 2, and decided that they are going to get into everything. In my eyes they can do no wrong.
My niece Amber is 3 years old and knows she is a princess. She plays her parents so well, asking one and then if she doesn't recieve the answer she wants she will go to the other parent and ask until she gets the answer she wants. She is a sly little girl; and her vocabulary is phanominal. We were in a store parking lot yesterday afternoon, and their was a flag pole with a flag on it, and she calls to me from the backseat and says, "Look Stina, an American Flag!" I was stunned. I have never know a 3 year old to have the ability to distinguish an American Flag, or any flag for that matter. She is going to grow into a very intelligent woman.
My niece Brooke turns 2 years old on November 13. She is so tiny compared to Amber. She is going to be very petite, just like her mommy. She doesn't really know me all that well yet because I have not really hung around her too much in the past. But she knows me well enough to run to my arms when she sees me which is an awesome feeling considering she used to cry when I held her. But yesterday she was over at my mom's house and she was pointing to the T.V. asking, "What is that?" It was so cute. It was also the first time I had ever heard her speak anything.
My nieces are amazing. When I see them I am able to forget all my other problems and relize that there is still good and pureness in the world; even if it comes in small packages. They both have given me a little bit of the childhood that I never had because they keep me on my toes, as well as making me smile and laugh like I was a little girl with them. So the saying that your kids keep you young is so very true. When the time comes that I have children of my own I know that they will have cousins that are amazing, just like they will be.

Here is a song that loves children too:
I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me
I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I will live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Chorus:
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
And I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadowsIf I fail, if I succeed
At least I will live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Chorus:
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Sibling Rivalry

I have 5 siblings. One full sister, one half sister, one step sister, one half brother, and one step brother. But it's like we used to say there are no steps in our house and they aren't half either. We are all family, by blood or not. I like every family has there moments of fighting and disputes. While having a big family, we all learned to share and compromise early on. We each had chores and other things we had to do around the house. And even though we always did not see things eye to eye, we love each other. Sibling rivalry existed in moderation, though. It was mainly about grades and who got what for Christmas and Birthdays. There really wasn't other kinds of competition. We were all just trying to survive in our three bedroom and one bathroom house. I remember when we were all going to school, we had to schedule times when we could take showers. It was probably amuzing to our parents when we would "call" certain times in the morning. Some of us being forced to shower at night, mostly the youngest which consist of me and my younger sister Ashley. For most of our time living with my mother and step-dad, Ashley and I were the ones that felt left out. But at the time it was just that we didn't have the same privilages as the older kids. But that was mostly it. We never really fought each other and never complained about having a big family. We just figured we had more people to support us when we crashed and when we flew.

It's an honor.......

I wish I could say that I would want to be honored for finding a cure for cancer or another disease that is plaguing this world, as much as I would love to accomplish such things, I would be satisfied with just being honored as a fantastic friend. I would love to be remembered for my honesty, my compassion, and my loyalty. For so long my friends were my family because of certain situations that were occuring in my life at the time. I cherish my friends more then they will ever know, so for me being an awesome friend is of most importance. I always promise my friends that I will always be there for them, will always support them, and will always love them. These are promises that I intend to keep. To be honored for being a great friend would be amazing. It isn't being honored for something huge like curing cancer or another major disease, but it is still an honor to have the friendships that I do.

What have you learned the hard way?

I have learned many things the hard way. But the most significant thing that I have learned is that you cannot control everything. You really cannot anything; not your situations, not your feelings, not anything. For many years I felt that I must control everything around me. If I accomplished this then I could do anything. I was sadly mistaken! While my world was crumbling around me, I found that the only thing that I could control was the pain that I felt. Soon after I found I was not able to control situations that were occuring at the time, I also found that I was numb inside. I had no mental feelings; none what so ever. So then I figured if I could not feel mentally then I must feel physically because in reality it was the only thing that I really could control.
The first time the silent, cold blade touched my skin, I felt release. I was finally feeling something. It was a physical hurt to match the mental trama I was going through. The first night I cut myself, the night it all started, was the first time I relized that I truly could not control things outside of my own being. However, I could control me. I could control the way I felt, physical and mental. I could control my feelings towards others: hate, love, pride. Anything that had to deal with my being, my self, I could fix, I could control. That was all that mattered.
It took my life crumbling beneath me, my grandmother dying, my mother being beaten while I watched, my father bleeding to death, and my own sanity perishing, to relize that controling everything doesn't matter. If everyone in society controlled themselves and nothing further, then the world would be a happier place. I also relized it was a waste of time. I wasted over 5 years of my life being rebellous, running the streets and causing problems for the people who love me. I failed at controlling the world, but gained a new outlook on life. I wish now that things were different and that I had never let the blade touch my skin, but I also don't regret the things that have happened in my life, for they have made me the person I am today. The quirky, spontaneous, intelligent young lady I am today.

High School

I sit here, while watching Freedom Writters, and I think of how it is true reality. High school today is nothing like it was in the past. Everyday we go to school and run the risk of seeing, hearing, or being in a fight. I sit in class and hear all the language that the kids speak. How they treat the teachers who wake up everyday and say how can I better one of my students today. I see how they act and ask, "How can someone act like that?" But then I have to remind myself, every single kid has problems and conflicts of there own. Either its because they are in family gangs, or their parents beat eachother, or many other things that happen. But the thing that really grabs my heart, is that these kids are really crying out for help and attention. Watching Freedom Writters opens the audiences eyes to see how the life of kids in gangs live, what their life consists of and how they deal with it. These kids come to school and all they think about it how much longer they have to live. They view school as a waste of time because they think that its a miracle if they make it to 18. However, one thing that Erin does in the movie is the line game. I felt that this was one of the most important parts of the film. She asks the kids questions to which their responses are either step to the line or not. When she asked if the kids have been shot at, all of the kids stepped forward. When she asked if the kids had lost family or friends to gang violence the kids stayed at the line. I felt she did this to show the kids that they have more in common then the think, regardless of their gangs or skin color. High school is so different these days. I feel for the kids that come from violent backgrounds. I just wish that there were more ways to get to these kids. I truly believe that Erin did a fabulous job getting her point across to her kids. What a truly amazing women she is!!!!!! Thanks to all the teachers that truly care about their kids, who are willing to go above and beyond the 'call of duty'.

Free Topic #1

I look in the mirror

And try to see.

But I'm horrifed to find,

the one looking back is not me.

When I wear this mask,

you'll soon see,

I'm not the one

I'm meant to be.

In this mask,

I will hide.

Until you uncover

what lays deep inside.

For in this disguise,

I am alone.

Nothing can harm me,

for nothing is shown.

One day,

I may come alive.

And share a great moment,

without my disguise.

For many years of my life I have been very insecure. Being teased y horrible people when I was younger, did not help this fact. But beyond the teasing, I was still trying to be someone I wasn't. I figure, looking back now, that even if I had the body I wanted I still would have had a disguise on, a mask so to speak. I wrote the poem above because I relized that everytime I looked in the mirror I was seeing what those bullies from my younger years instilled in my head, as well as the mask I had been wearing for so long. When I looked in the mirror, I saw someone who wasn't me. I saw a girl who wasn't strong, who wasn't funny, who wasn't pretty or sophisticated. I saw someone who was trying to hard to be something she wasn't, something she really didn't want to be. But even though I relized I was acting a part, I didn't want to lift my disguise and let anyone in. I was afraid that if I actually became the person that I wanted to be, then my 'friends' would leave me. But I found out that they would like the 'real' me even better.