My Theme Song

So my theme song would have to be Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. It was hard for me to pick just one song that would decribe my mood, but then I got to thinking that my moods are always subject to change. Then I thought about intro songs for TV shows and how they never change but how they kind of describe the show or a character on that show. So I was listening to Lessons Learned by Carrie and it hit me that that song describes what will never change about me; the things that I have accomplished and the things that I have gone through. So if it was made into my own personal theme song it would never have to change because it is a timeless song; I am constantly growing and learning new things! So here are the lyrics to a priceless, well-written song:

There's some things that I regret,

Some words I wish had gone unsaid,

Some starts,

That had some better endings,

Been some bad times I've been through,

Damage I cannot undo.

Some things,

I wish I could do all all over again,

But it don't really matter,

When life gets that much harder,

It makes you that much stronger,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,

Some chances I just threw away,

Some roads,

I never should have taken,

Been some signs I didn't see,

Hearts that I hurt needlessly,

Some wounds,

That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,

But it don't make no difference,

The past can't be rewritten,

You get the life you're given,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were,

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

Every change, life has thrown me,

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,

Are the things that make you strong!

You can't change the past,

Cause it's gone.

And you just gotta move on,

Because it's all

Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,

From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,

From every change, life has thrown me.

I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,

I'm grateful, for every scar,

Some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Oh, some pages turned,

Some bridges burned,

But there were lessons learned,

Lessons learned.

Lessons learned.

Free Topic #5

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting my dreams on hold. Like with college. I thought I wanted to go out of state, but now it seems like I'm being pushed into going to VVC. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying to much about making everyone else happy that Im killing myself inside. I dont know how to fix it. I want to help my family and friends, but where is the balance for what they want for me and what I want for myself. Its like a trapt feeling, never pleasing myself but never being able to please them, too. Sometimes I dont know if there truly is a balance between the two. I wish there was. More then anything. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im worried about all these this that are coming shortly in the future. Im scared outta my mind. Where am I going to be? What am I going to be doing? If someone was to sit me down and ask me where I saw myself in five, ten, twenty years, I doubt that I could answer. I just dont know where I see myself. I hope that it would include establishing a great career and a family but I just dont know.
Also, something else that has been bugging me. Why do I truly want a relationship with my mom? After everything she has done and put me through, why do I still crave that love and approval? Why cant I just hate her like I want to so very much? It would make everything so much easier. If I could just hate her and walk away then she couldnt hurt me anymore. I couldnt torture myself, wanting something that I will never get. I dont think that my mom is physically or mentally capable of loving me. I have tried so hard for so long to win her approval and I dont think she ever even tried to give it to me. Sometimes I feel as if Im never good enough, that no matter what I do will ever be good enough. I know its not true by looking at my accomplishments, but I dont like the way that not having her love and approval makes me feel inferior. Agh!!!! I just wish things could be so different. I know that no matter how much I wish that it would change, it wont. I wish I knew what was going to happen to me, I wish that I knew absolutly that everything was going to work out okay. I guess part of me knows that it will. I guess Im just super impatient about certain things.

Free Topic #4

This little one tries as hard as she can

Do anything just so she could fit in

She wants a friend so bad she'll do whatever they tell her

To make them smile she would misbehave

But all the while they would laugh in her face

She begins to cry because she thought that they liked her

Even though you feel all alone

It can't rain everyday

It don't rain forever

Your sunshine may be gone but I know

It can't rain everyday

It don't rain forever

He works hard everyday of his life

For his son on the way and his beautiful wife

But today he got a call from his job they got something to tell him.

They laid him off now he's out on the streets

He's got to do what it takes so his family can eat

He can't even look at his wife because he feels like he failed them

[ chorus ]

Rain down! rain down! rain down! so let it rain down!

Rain down! rain down! rain down on me now!

A young lady's been lost for awhile

But that's ok now she's having a child

She finally got what she wants.

she's got someone who loves her

But this morning she woke up in pain.

Nobody had to tell her because she knew right away

So she started to cry because she won't be a mother.

[ chorus ]

Rain down! rain down! rain down! rain down on me!

Rain down! rain down! rain down!

When I first heard this song I was at a low point in my life. When I heard the chorus say that it cant rain everyday, I was completely relieved. I relized that it truly doesnt rain everyday. Yeah there are times throughout the year that rain constantly, but its not all year long; maybe just a couple months outta the year. So now when I hit the low points in my life, I listen to this song, and also picture life being the roller coaster that it is; I can only go up from here.

Heroes

I wish that I could say that my heroes are something standard, like Batman or Superman.....but I guess in reality my heroes are or rather should be considered Supermen and women. My heroes, my role models, are the ones fighting and dying so that I can sit in a comfortable room, with my laptop, and write on a blog. The women and men that are fighting for our freedoms; dying for them. They are half way across the world, in foreign countries, living without the comforts of their own homes, and major technologies like cell phones and computers. They work all day and most nights, in very hot weather and extremely cold weather; all to protect American and what we stand for.

Some days I ask myself is this war really necessary. And right now I just wish that we could bring all our troops home safe and sound. Even if I dont agree with the wars that we fight, I will forever support our troops, because in reality we are only as free as much as we are willing to fight for it.

Free Topic #3

Senior year...... what can I say about senior? Well when I first thought about my senior year, I thought that it was going to be very stressful and filled completely with hard classes; which meant that I once again was going to have no social life and was going to be doing homework until the crack of dawn every night. Ha ha ha..... I couldn't have been more wrong. When I filled out my class sheet for this year, I figured I really could have fun with my classes, so I chose easy classes like graphic arts and a T.A. position. But when I got to school I thought that my whole schedule was going to be horrible because I only got 3 of the classes that I actually wanted. They gave me Choir 3 again and gave me child development. My first thoughts were, "great this is gonna suck." And after that first day, seeing who was all in my classes and who was not....I decided that I was gonna change them. But while I was waiting for my appointment to come around with the counselors, I thought to myself, "maybe there is a reason that my schedule was made this way and maybe I should just keep it." So I did.I found that I rarely ever have homework, which will be fantastic when I get a job, and my classes are really fun. I am learning so much in my child development class, maybe more about myself and my own partial childhood then actual children, right now. But I laugh everyday, in almost every class. I'm having a blast. I always said that my senior year would be the best and now I'm doing everything in my power to make it that way........SENIOR CLASS OF '09!!!!!!!!

Free Topic #2

I absoluutly love my nieces. They are perfect in my eyes, even though they are 3 and 2, and decided that they are going to get into everything. In my eyes they can do no wrong.
My niece Amber is 3 years old and knows she is a princess. She plays her parents so well, asking one and then if she doesn't recieve the answer she wants she will go to the other parent and ask until she gets the answer she wants. She is a sly little girl; and her vocabulary is phanominal. We were in a store parking lot yesterday afternoon, and their was a flag pole with a flag on it, and she calls to me from the backseat and says, "Look Stina, an American Flag!" I was stunned. I have never know a 3 year old to have the ability to distinguish an American Flag, or any flag for that matter. She is going to grow into a very intelligent woman.
My niece Brooke turns 2 years old on November 13. She is so tiny compared to Amber. She is going to be very petite, just like her mommy. She doesn't really know me all that well yet because I have not really hung around her too much in the past. But she knows me well enough to run to my arms when she sees me which is an awesome feeling considering she used to cry when I held her. But yesterday she was over at my mom's house and she was pointing to the T.V. asking, "What is that?" It was so cute. It was also the first time I had ever heard her speak anything.
My nieces are amazing. When I see them I am able to forget all my other problems and relize that there is still good and pureness in the world; even if it comes in small packages. They both have given me a little bit of the childhood that I never had because they keep me on my toes, as well as making me smile and laugh like I was a little girl with them. So the saying that your kids keep you young is so very true. When the time comes that I have children of my own I know that they will have cousins that are amazing, just like they will be.

Here is a song that loves children too:
I believe that children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
Everybody searching for a hero
People need someone to look up to
I never found anyone to fulfill my needs
A lonely place to be
So I learned to depend on me
I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadows
If I fail, if I succeed
At least I will live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Chorus:
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be
And I decided long ago
Never to walk in anyone's shadowsIf I fail, if I succeed
At least I will live as I believe
No matter what they take from me
They can't take away my dignity

Chorus:
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

And if by chance, that special place
That you've been dreaming of
Leads you to a lonely place
Find your strength in love

Sibling Rivalry

I have 5 siblings. One full sister, one half sister, one step sister, one half brother, and one step brother. But it's like we used to say there are no steps in our house and they aren't half either. We are all family, by blood or not. I like every family has there moments of fighting and disputes. While having a big family, we all learned to share and compromise early on. We each had chores and other things we had to do around the house. And even though we always did not see things eye to eye, we love each other. Sibling rivalry existed in moderation, though. It was mainly about grades and who got what for Christmas and Birthdays. There really wasn't other kinds of competition. We were all just trying to survive in our three bedroom and one bathroom house. I remember when we were all going to school, we had to schedule times when we could take showers. It was probably amuzing to our parents when we would "call" certain times in the morning. Some of us being forced to shower at night, mostly the youngest which consist of me and my younger sister Ashley. For most of our time living with my mother and step-dad, Ashley and I were the ones that felt left out. But at the time it was just that we didn't have the same privilages as the older kids. But that was mostly it. We never really fought each other and never complained about having a big family. We just figured we had more people to support us when we crashed and when we flew.

It's an honor.......

I wish I could say that I would want to be honored for finding a cure for cancer or another disease that is plaguing this world, as much as I would love to accomplish such things, I would be satisfied with just being honored as a fantastic friend. I would love to be remembered for my honesty, my compassion, and my loyalty. For so long my friends were my family because of certain situations that were occuring in my life at the time. I cherish my friends more then they will ever know, so for me being an awesome friend is of most importance. I always promise my friends that I will always be there for them, will always support them, and will always love them. These are promises that I intend to keep. To be honored for being a great friend would be amazing. It isn't being honored for something huge like curing cancer or another major disease, but it is still an honor to have the friendships that I do.

What have you learned the hard way?

I have learned many things the hard way. But the most significant thing that I have learned is that you cannot control everything. You really cannot anything; not your situations, not your feelings, not anything. For many years I felt that I must control everything around me. If I accomplished this then I could do anything. I was sadly mistaken! While my world was crumbling around me, I found that the only thing that I could control was the pain that I felt. Soon after I found I was not able to control situations that were occuring at the time, I also found that I was numb inside. I had no mental feelings; none what so ever. So then I figured if I could not feel mentally then I must feel physically because in reality it was the only thing that I really could control.
The first time the silent, cold blade touched my skin, I felt release. I was finally feeling something. It was a physical hurt to match the mental trama I was going through. The first night I cut myself, the night it all started, was the first time I relized that I truly could not control things outside of my own being. However, I could control me. I could control the way I felt, physical and mental. I could control my feelings towards others: hate, love, pride. Anything that had to deal with my being, my self, I could fix, I could control. That was all that mattered.
It took my life crumbling beneath me, my grandmother dying, my mother being beaten while I watched, my father bleeding to death, and my own sanity perishing, to relize that controling everything doesn't matter. If everyone in society controlled themselves and nothing further, then the world would be a happier place. I also relized it was a waste of time. I wasted over 5 years of my life being rebellous, running the streets and causing problems for the people who love me. I failed at controlling the world, but gained a new outlook on life. I wish now that things were different and that I had never let the blade touch my skin, but I also don't regret the things that have happened in my life, for they have made me the person I am today. The quirky, spontaneous, intelligent young lady I am today.

High School

I sit here, while watching Freedom Writters, and I think of how it is true reality. High school today is nothing like it was in the past. Everyday we go to school and run the risk of seeing, hearing, or being in a fight. I sit in class and hear all the language that the kids speak. How they treat the teachers who wake up everyday and say how can I better one of my students today. I see how they act and ask, "How can someone act like that?" But then I have to remind myself, every single kid has problems and conflicts of there own. Either its because they are in family gangs, or their parents beat eachother, or many other things that happen. But the thing that really grabs my heart, is that these kids are really crying out for help and attention. Watching Freedom Writters opens the audiences eyes to see how the life of kids in gangs live, what their life consists of and how they deal with it. These kids come to school and all they think about it how much longer they have to live. They view school as a waste of time because they think that its a miracle if they make it to 18. However, one thing that Erin does in the movie is the line game. I felt that this was one of the most important parts of the film. She asks the kids questions to which their responses are either step to the line or not. When she asked if the kids have been shot at, all of the kids stepped forward. When she asked if the kids had lost family or friends to gang violence the kids stayed at the line. I felt she did this to show the kids that they have more in common then the think, regardless of their gangs or skin color. High school is so different these days. I feel for the kids that come from violent backgrounds. I just wish that there were more ways to get to these kids. I truly believe that Erin did a fabulous job getting her point across to her kids. What a truly amazing women she is!!!!!! Thanks to all the teachers that truly care about their kids, who are willing to go above and beyond the 'call of duty'.