Hard work!!!

Never let anyone tell you that a little bit of hard work never pays off....

It seems like all I ever say anymore is "I have too much stuff to do", but you know what....all the shit I have been through lately is paying off tremendously. I went to my stats class tonight, totally forgeting that my professor still had the exam we took a while back. I talked to a classmate who said that the average in the class was in the 60's....Im thinking "great I just flunked the exam then....", well after class I approached my professor and got my exam. I didnt bomb at all, 91% baby. I kicked ass.

Also been trying to get my room squared away right....well I got it completed in one day. My bed came and was put together and feels amazing to sleep in. I got the rug that matches perfectly with all my stuff....and although I didnt get a new dresser, the dresser I do have works perfectly in the space....everything seems to be going good right....HAHAHA

Seems is the operative word here....I did not think one person could be under such stress but leave it to me to put myself in the situation that stress is all I have....again I have slipped into the habit of putting everyone else before myself...which isnt necessarily the problem until my school work started to slip too. I have a midterm tomorrow in my psych class and Im not entirely sure how Im going to pull it off. I am just thankful that it is all multiple choice, at least then I have a good chance of guessing right.

Then to add to all the other stresses of being there for my friends and getting all my school stuff done, my family is having money issues. This fact hit me hard because I cant help for now. Its a horrible feeling, knowing that no matter what you do its just not going to be enough right now. Like Im cutting back on the expenses that I cause the family, and Im trying my hardest to get a job....but its not looking so good. But Im never going to give up...I cant.

To top everything off, Im slowly starting to miss my dad more and more. I just cant deal with that too right now. Everything is going good in life and I want it to continue. I cant add drama that I am trying so hard to avoid. I see people with their dads and stuff hanging around town and I miss that...we used to do everything together...shop, cook, talk, watch movies, everything. But its whatever I guess. Eventually I know that we will rekinddle our relationship, I know so because I want him to be apart of my future kids lives. I dont want my kids going through the same stuff I went through with my grandfather. I will prevent that as much as I can.

Anyways, Im off to rewrite my english essay. Good night. Sleep tight! And to the world of dreams, see the beauty in the things your might be missing!

If only they would Stop!

The world we see when slumber takes us, is supposed to be beautiful, serene. But I sit here wiping the tears that are streaming down my cheeks, praying that I never dream again. I dont even know where to begin with what I saw, what I experienced. Im not sure who the guy was that was stalking me, or how he even ended up in my car. All I know is when I saw Ray was back in town it all finally hit home. I was being stalked by a guy, felt completely and utterly uncomfortable with him, but then why would I be driving him home alone, and why on earth when I saw Ray would I pretend that we were together. Why did I turn Ray away? And where on earth did the kid come from. All these things are plauging my mind right now. And I know that these wouldnt be considered a nightmare on other peoples terms, they typically think nightmares are like horror movie scary. But this was more scary then anyone could ever realize. And for me to wake up with tears in my eyes, I hope I never dream again.

A lilttle less stress....

So I have been trying to figure out a way to get a bed for my new room...been stressing out like crazy cause I desperately want out of my house...well today I got enough cash to cover a bed and possible a rug, if not a new dresser. So hopefully I'm looking to be out by the end of this week...yay me! That is officially just one less thing I have to stress on. But I still have a full to do list that looks a little like this:

My To Do List:

Finish moving things out of new room.

Host another yard sale.

Do extensive cleaning of new room.

Finish outline for Comm class.

Write essay for English.

Catch up on reading for Psych

Catch up on reading for Comm

Catch up on reading for English

Do work that I missed for English two weeks ago.

Pack up my room.

Move furniture into the new room.

Put new bed together.

Unpack boxes and organize new room.

Help Lacey get her son's room cleaned and organized.

Take Courtney to see Spence and Deb.

Hang out there for a little bit.

Figure out what the hell has happened to Ray.

Clean the house.

Start working out again and perfecting me for me.

Do laundry.

And finally figure out what I'm going to do about a certain someone.....still so freaking confused.

This last one is a long story...but to make it short...I just need to figure out feelings about something and figure out what I wanna do or not do about them.

I talk to Joey tonight for the first time in a while. He is all excited about a new girl and I'm really happy for him. Things never worked out between us but I still want him happy. Any ways so I talked to him and he opened my eyes to something I might not have been seeing...but I'm still nervous. I don't wanna rush into something again and get my heart thrown in a blender again...I'm not sure if I can go through that again. I don't want to give up all hope but a girl's got to be cautious. These walls I have built up have been there for so long and I don't know if I'm ready or able to tear them down all by myself. I don't know whats going to happen with this new situation. I honestly was not looking for something new.....as soon as I stopped looking though this is what happened.....its like Lace Face said so many months back...I cant keep up a bubble...it just doesn't happen....

So I apparently started writing again, (duh I'm writing this) but a few nights ago I also started drawing again. It started to turn into just so tattoo ideas and I love them...I colored them which killed them for tattoo designs but I'm going to complete this whole page of just colored designs then I'm going to go back and make them in just black and white for my tattoos I want to get. Hopefully I either get my first tattoo for my birthday or I get my lip pierced...I'm kinda hoping for the lip just because I want it really really bad...but if I get both then sweet....hahah.....I don't....but I'm going to head back to myspace and facebook for now....play a few games cause I'm still not sleeping...then hopefully tire myself into a stupor hahah...Night y'all!

Just another day!

So the new bedding I bought rocks! I swear I did not want to get outta bed this morning. But I did!

Went to Lace's for a study session, in which hardly any studying went on. I dont know what it is but when I get around those girls, I feel like Im no longer invisible, like they really see me for me, like I dont have to hide anymore. They really seem to care about me and when I tell them about things going on in my life, mostly boys right now, and well school, they seem to really understand and give some great advice. I know that Im not ready to jump into something new right away, that I need to figure stuff out within myself. I have been hurt so much, and have gone through so much shit this past year or so, that I just need to take time for me. I love those girls though....they truly are amazing friends.

Anyways!

So this are still pretty much the same....My room is still not done, which is really starting to stress me out and annoy me. But good news is that tomorrow Im hosting another yard sale...hopefully I will get enough money to cover my bed so that I wont be sleeping on the floor. Im crossing my fingers.

A little side note:

Im really worrying about school. I love school. School is the only good thing going for me right now. But lately I have gotten really behind and Im not sure how to completely catch up. Every time I sit down to study and get things caught up, my mind switches to something else. I start thinking about them....wonder what they are doing....how they are. Certain things constantly plague my mind, causing me to lose all focus. I have an outline for my Communications class due next week, plus an essay, plus having to catch up on reading for Psych, Comm, and English. Agh!!! I dont possibly know how Im going to get it all done, but I know that I can. I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this. That I cant fail. Thats what my Dad is waiting for....for me to fail and come crawling back to him. But I wont do it. I will finish what I started. I will make something of myself and prove that I am a strong woman. I will finish school and start a career and make a family and live happily ever after. This will work. I know it will!

Day One!

So back in older posts I said I was going to keep producing this even after High School was over...it's now, what, at least 4 months later, and I figured it was about time to continue this....if nothing else then to start me writing again.

Updates on life:

Living with mom has had it's ups and downs, more ups than downs, however things are beginning to become a little rocky. Mostly it has to do with not having my own breathing room, my own space, a place to call "just mine". I hate complaining about things, I really do. There are kids out in third world countries that never even get their own rooms, let along their own food. I think about how much I have in this life. I have shelter and food and water...and damn it I even have a running toilet. I sit back and wonder what life would be like without all these amenities and I cannot even possibly picture my life being any different. I truly have no regrets about things that have happened lately....not about experiencing new things with Matt, or watching Ray walk out of my life for now. I don't regret anything. Sometimes I lay in bed at night thinking about how things would be different if certain things hadn't happened, what would my life be like? Would I have met the same people? Learned the same things? Experienced as much as I have? I embrace this new life. Because frankly my old life shaped the woman I am today, but my past is not about to determine who I become in the future. I don't want to be held back any longer, not by doubts, not by fears, not by rules and regulations. Life is here one day and maybe gone the next. Why not embrace all that Life has to offer?

Anyways so back to updates: (:D)

So college has started and really is almost half way through the first semester, and although I didn't get to go away like I had originally wanted, I'm still getting an education and meeting some amazing people that I hope I can stay friends with forever. My psych class has turned from an exciting class into one that I am annoyed with, something I used to enjoy has now been turned into something I dread. I'm not entirely sure why it has done so at this point, and nor do I care. English is a blast. My professor is hilarious, from discussing buying a 30 pack outside of class, to addressing marijuana. I never walk out of that class disappointed. I'm pretty sure I can thank my high school English teachers for helping me to fall in love with the art of writing. My public speaking class is entertaining and has already taught me a lot about communication that I think most of us take for granted daily. Its changed my outlook on how messages are sent and received and how cultural backgrounds can distort an intended message and the actual message that is heard. And then there is Stats. Again the professor has his moments where he is annoying as hell, but mostly we walk out of class gaining some knowledge and having had a few laughs in the class. I was hoping college was going to be something incredibly different from high school, and in some ways it is, don't get me wrong, but maybe its because I didn't move away from home like i had hoped, that I don't feel like I'm experiencing college the way movies and TV shows portray it. I know this is a stupid thing in the first place because real life is not remotely similar to the fictional life that they portray on the TV screen, but my understanding of college and my expectations are incredibly different from what I am experiencing. My only hope is that in further studies and semesters that what I wanted will find me after all, or maybe rather what I have NEEDED will present itself to me.

So a change of though,

I'm not one for crying, viewing it as a weakness, like I am a child that is broken and bruised, but lately all I find myself doing is crying. I cry myself to sleep out of just pure exhaustion. I cry when I remember the guys that have hurt me and taking pieces away from me. I cry of lost loved ones and lost opportunities. I cry for the years that I lost playing the "grown up". I cry for the children that are abused daily, for the women who are raped and molested, for the men that feel too macho to express any emotion other then pure anger. I cry for things I can control, and then because I cannot control the tears that streak my face, I weep even more. I think I have shed more tears in the past few weeks then I have since Grandma died 8 years ago. I feel at my ultimate low. Completely broken, having nothing left to offer anyone other then a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I have no words to speak, no advice to give anymore. So many pieces of me have been shattered over the years that I'm not even certain if the same person I was so many years ago even exists today, and whether that is a positive thing I am not sure. I thought that I had found myself again after things happened. But maybe all I had found was a person I wished I could have been. I used to say the scared little girl that has been hidden within me for so many years has finally escaped and I am free of her. But now with everything that is going on, I feel nothing but intense fear. Fear of being alone, being abandoned. Fear of being ugly and unattractive. Fear of never finding peace. Fear of being truly unlovable. This little girl has returned and taken captive of the woman I am supposed to become, and I'm uncertain of how to retrieve her. But sleep is drawing near tonight, and as Slumber captures me, my only hope is that tomorrow the sun awakens me to a bright and beautiful morning. Good night all!

Been forever...

Its been forever since I have blogged. God so many things have happened since the end of high school. I make it seem like forever ago when in reality it was only a few weeks back. Another love has come and gone, fighting with parents and some friends as well. Watching and waiting for good things to happen. Hoping they happen soon. So let's start with the love.



I met this guy online, Matt. It was really random...I guess I though he was cute and commented on a picture of his and he started emailing me. After a few emails, we swapped numbers and continued talking through texts, then finally he asked if he could call and so he did. We talked for like 4 hours that night. It was amazing....talking about past experiences, past hurts, loves everything. We hit it off that first night. After a while we started texting because it was late and we didnt go to sleep until really late. We both didnt want to say good night...I think I was the one who finally text saying that I was going to say good night so that I didnt fall asleep on him and he actually called me and said if I was going to 'say' good night then I was actually going to "say" it. I thought it was really really cute. So I said good night. The next day we woke up and spent the whole day texting each other. It was like that for like 3 or 4 days. Talking and texting. We both shared everything with each other. We were really starting to connect. Both of us were getting scared to fall for each other though. Finally he wanted to meet me. I was so incredibly nervous. But I finally picked a day to meet him and I went...when I picked him up he was walking on the side of the street...he freaking pretended to not see my car like a dork....he was so cute though.

I cant even write about this anymore it is making me too sad. Maybe I will write more later...

A final post (Free Topic)

So I dont want to get all sappy and start crying, but I really am going to miss this. I'm going to try to keep doing it, outside of it being a school assignment, but with my habits it probably wont last terribly long. I love all the topics that we have been given. Its given me a chance to share what was on my mind when I thought no one cared enough to ask. Things will be way different after high school. At least I hope. To many people have told me that college is just like being back in high school. Im not sure. My campus seems really cool and I know living with my mom will have its own excitment. Im at the public library right now trying my hardest to get these done and the stupid pop up told me I have three minutes, so save my work and get off. In words like that at least. So I better do as Im told. Thankx so much Mrs. Nocera for all that you have done for us students this year. It has been a blast. May you be rewarded highly for all your time and efforts.

Crazy Crazy Crazy (Free Topic)

So today I went and hung out with the Lace Face. We have been trying for a few weeks to hang out, but my dad doesnt like me hanging out on school nights, so today was the day. I went over to her house and just hung for a little bit when Rachel came over. We listened to music and laughed alot because they were rocking out to metal head music. HILARIOUS! So after that we went and got stoner burritos at Del Taco, Rachel has never had one let alone heard of one. They are so yummy. After that we went to the mall and went to Spencer's. There was a rubber chicken sitting on the side and I picked it up and made it squeek at Lacy, she jumped like ten feet it was so funny. It goes along with an inside joke that we have about rocking out with chickens in our pants. After the mall we went to the park and Lace and Rachel were trying to balance on this barrel thing, they got pretty far. All in all it was a fun day. I got to take lots of pictures and just be random with a couple of cool girls. Most fun I have had all week. Thankx girls. Oh, at the park this little boy kept following Lacy around trying to get her to stick up for him with these other boys it was soooo cute.

I wanna finally write my book. (Free Topic)

For many years I have wanted to publish a book. My uncle has gotten about three of his published so far, two of which were poetry books, one a short story about his grandmother. I'm not entirely sure what I want the book to be about but I do know that I want some of my life to be reflected in it. This being said I would most likely publish it under an alias. My life has been no easy road, I mean who's has these days, but I would like to create a story about my life; one that could possibly help some other person a hundred thousand miles away. I wonder every day when I will finally get down to writing it. I read constantly and the book I read give me inspiration, but with the way things are now, I dont know if I will get it done anytime soon. Oh well, I will just have to take it a day at a time. Let's see where that will take us.

Graduating class of '09 (Free topic)

So Im not validictorian or anything but I do have some stuff I would like to say to our Graduating class and to all the friends I have made and to all the amazing teachers I have had the pleassure of learning from....
We did it! We made it here; to these chairs, to this stage. Many people said we couldn't do it, that the generations just keep getting worse and worse, but dangit, we made it. As we leave this place, let us never forget the relationships we have made, our friendships with other students, our friendships with our amazing teachers, and our friendships with ourselves. We probably have all been told at one point or another, that life is too short, that we must grasp it and take hold of our destinies, our futures; well Class of '09, that time is now. It is our turn to go out and make somethings of ourselves, it is our turn to become the future doctors and teachers and politicians and anything else your heart beats for. Don't let the world tell you what you have to be, figure it out for yourself. These past four years have ment something. They werent just time wasted in a classroom, learning nonsense material, they werent just extra days spent with friends; they are seconds, minutes, hours, and days, spent to prepare us for the rest of our lives. I know these last four years have made me come to know myself, the real person I want to be, not just someone who molds herself to fit in with the crowd of 'cool' people, but I have become the girl, no the young woman, who knows that she wants in life and know exactly how she is gonna get it. I hope our graduating class does not allow itself to become another statistic, but rather break the mold that has been set, let us become a new begining, let us change our communities, so that our world may be changed as well. For all the friends I have made, I will not say good-bye, only see you later. To the friends that have seen every side of me and still decided to stick around, to the friends that have seen me fall, only to laugh as they pick me back up, to all the friends that have seen me cry, only to say 'Im here for you', to all the friends who never said 'I told you so', to all the friends who made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt and something flew out of my nose, to all these people, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have helped me learn so many lessons in life. You have helped me learn to love myself above all, and to be me no matter the consequences. You have helped me stay true to myself. You have taught me what unconditional love is, you have taught me never to light things on fire, never to drive drunk, and never to put a man before a friend. But above all, you have taught me what friendship is. To my teachers; to all of you who have seen me in my highest moments, and talked me through my worst. To all of you who have read my lenghthy essays with only mild irritation, to all of you who have helped me through these 4 years teaching me all that you know. To all of you who have spent hours after clocking out of work, only to go home and grade finals and other papers, and not be paid. To all of you who love your job more then your own social life. To all of you who have made these 4 years barable for the rest of us. And to all of you who have helped me realize that I am a beautiful and talented young lady, I thank you as well. You may never know how much you truly have blessed each and every one of our lives. You have made us the people we are today. Thank you for your time and energy and guidance. To all the parents, thank you for your support and comfort. Graduating Class of '09, this I say to you, congradulations! We did it! Now let us go out there and shine, for we are the class of '09.

I can't believe its finally here....(free topic)

Yup....it's finally May 1st that means only a month left of school. I cant believe its finally over. Im so excited to graduate and get on with my life; to actually live life. For so long I have been stuck where Im at, not being able to move, being suffocated for so long. I am finally free. I love it! I cant wait to move back to Palmdale, to finally do something for myself and not feel guilty for it what so ever. It's gonna be an excited and busy first year. Good thing is that I am spending the summer with my dad which means beach trips with all my friends. That is one thing I never want to lose or forget; all the relationships that I have made throughout these 4 crazy years. I want to hold on to them forever. I will never forget the memories. All of them; good and bad. Things have been crazy and stressful, but above all, everything that has happened in these four years has made me grow into my own person. I have learned so much. I just cant believe its finally over. I still havent cried about it but I know that once its graduation night and I recieve my diploma and watch all my friends get theirs, I know that I will break down and cry hard; you know why, not because Im losing friends, not because I wont ever talk to them again, but because I will know in that moment that all my sacrifices, all my hard work, all my sweat and tears, it will all be worth it. GRADUATION BABY HERE I COME!!!!

I HATE IT!!!!!

When elections where going on this last year, I hated the fact that everyone was saying Obama was going to win. When he actually did win, I was like great, here we go, this ought to be interesting. I really didn't like the guy. Just something about him annoyed the hell out of me. To this day I still can't quite figure it out but I still don't really like him. However, putting aside my immature little emotions and opinions, I respect the man. He has the guts to be the first African American Presedent. He is trying his hardest, or I would assume so, to pull us out of our economic hardships, and frankly, the man can speak his ass of. His way with words is amazing and totally respectful. No, I don't like the man, or everything that he stands for, but he sure does have so guts, and he sure can speek extremely well.

Flashback: Freshman year

Seems like we are two different people; her and me. I have done so much growing, so much changing. Back then I was timid and shy, totally fearful that I wasnt going to make any friends. I remember the feelings like they were yesterday. Butterflies deep in my stomach, waiting for the first day of school. Now man, now I have so many friends, so much support. I still get butterflies in my stomach when I wake to go to school, but these are good ones, ones of excitement and not fear. I think my outlook on situations has changed as well. My look of myself and my worth have changed drastically as well. I no longer let people walk all over me, telling me what to do all the time, and how to do things. I also no longer put myself on the back burner. I care about myself just as much as I would care for someone else. What I want does matter and what I believe is best for me matters as well. Im no longer this little girl but have turned myself into a beautiful young woman. I still have lots of growing up to do and never expect to stop learning and growing, its a part of living, its what makes living worth while.

Showing love!

I think the biggest moment in my life that showed me that my mom loves me and that my dad loves me in when my mom gave me up and let me go live with my dad, and when my dad took me in with such short notice. I rememeber that night clearly and how drugged out my mom was. I remember us pulling Ashley out the window just so she could escape the house. I remember calling my dad saying I needed to go and I needed to go then. I remember him getting to me in like 20-30 min when the drive normally takes 45-60 min. The memory is burned in my brain. But it also showed me that my mom was willing to sacrifice alot so that I was safe. She showed me that no matter how much it hurt her to see us leave and go live with my dad, that she would do anything to make us safe. That showed me how much she loved me then and when I look now it shows me how much she loves me still. Now she is letting me move back in with her to attend college out there. She is excited as I am. Just little things like hugs and unexpected I love you's show her love daily. I love ya Momma!

Goodbye Highschool!

Hell yes! Goodbye drama (not the class of course), goodbye immature people, goodbye classrooms, goodbye teachers.....oh wait crap, none of these things leave my life. AGH!!!!! :) No but Im excited to leave high school and start a new chapter in my life. I have decided that Im going to keep posting even after we are graduated though. Im going to miss so many things at school though. Especially the new friendships I have made. Im also going to miss my amazing teachers. The ones who have put up with me for so many years and the ones putting up with me now. :) So many things are going to be changing. The comfort of the familiarity of everything is probably going to be the thing I miss the most though. Change has always been a scary factor for me. But even so, I figured when I finally sat down to write this particular entry that I would realize the short time we have left and start to cry, however no tears come. I feel like Linda in Death of a Salesman in the Requium when she says she cant cry, that it hasnt hit her yet that he isnt coming back. I think thats where Im at now. I still feel like after the summer is over, I feel like Im going to just be coming back for another year. I think all the emotions of everything will finally hit after graduation. I just cant believe we have finally made it. Class of '09!!! We made it. We finally made it.

They always say goodbye!

So this is totally a rewrite of a previous one. When I first wrote this I was extremely tires and was reading in the dark and mistaked the prompt. So in order to get a good grade I am rewritting it. :) So the prompt says have people who are important to you say goodbye. But you know what I was thinking. I don'd want these people saying good-bye. Good-byes have always been the hardest to me. A matter of fact I hate them very much. But if good-bye was truly necessary then these are what people would have said:

Ashley (my sister): "I love you very much, I hope that everything turns out the way you want it to. I will miss you very much and wish that you weren't going away, but I understand that you have to leave and do it for yourself. I know that you will always be here for me. Bye"
Dad: "Where you going?" (I had to explain) "Oh, okay. Well, if I had to say good-bye to you my last words would be that I am very proud of the woman that you have become. I have been truly blessed to have you as a daughter and I hope that life will bring you many treasures and happiness along the way."

I don't know who else to ask right now, but I will ask friends at school and add them later. I just can't believe that I read the prompt wrong and wrote about something completely dumb hahah.

Free Topic #20

How much strength does one person need? Is it an inch, a mile? Does it matter how much you have? Can you get through the day without it? Do people honestly look at other's shoes? Is it really bad to color your hair? Do guys really like smart women? Do women like jocks because they are cool?

Many questions puzzle my mind daily. Some of them are dumb, like what should I wear today. But most of the time they are serious questions, like what am I going to do with the rest of my life? What kind of man will I marry? How many kids will we have? Things about my future just seem so distant. I remember when I finally turned 16 a few years back, I never pictured the day. I never thought I would make it that far. Even now as I look to see what my future has in store, I cant picture what I will be like when Im 25. Its like the dark abiss that is completely unknown and totally intimidating. Its like walking in a hallway with no lights on and just trying to feel your way to the end without tripping and breaking your neck. :) The future is just a broad subject, no one ever really knows what it has instore for us.

Free Topic #19

Its Time

Its time to heal

Its time to see

Stop justifying the problem

Its not about me

No more ashes

No more tears

Full of hatred

And no more fears

You gave me hope

Then snatched it away

You turned you back on me

While I just wished youd stay

The time has come

For me to stand

And not allow you

To defy who I am

I wrote this a couple of days ago. It was really quick and simple and kinda just came to me. Sometimes I feel as if I am letting other people defy who I am, who I see myself as, my self-worth so to speak. I realized that I cannot do that. What other people do, other peoples problems, they have nothing to do with me or how I should see myself. My self-worth is not defined by how others feel about me. Its MY SELF-worth. Its all about me, my attitude, my confidence. This is something that I have struggled with for a long time. I have never really felt super special, never really felt like anything I do matters. But even if it doesnt matter to others, it matters to me. How I see MYSELF should be more important then how other stupid people who barely know me see me. I am me. And no one is going to change that. You cant defy who I AM.

Free Topic #18

We finally moved!!!!

I have been so excited about moving and the day finally got here. Saturday the 7th we finally moved into our new place. Well technically we were sleeping at the house sooner then that. The moday before me and my sister went back up to the old apartment and found out that they had turned the water off. We freaked. We spent one more night in the apartment and the next day we moved all our clothes and things we needed on a regular basis and we were actually sleeping in our new house. It was crazy. Part of it still hasnt hit me that its ours. Our HOME. I know that the house does not make the home, but that it is the people that make up the house that create the home. However feeling comfortable in your own house, enough to actually unpack boxes, makes a hell of a difference. The best part about the house besides the amazing kitchen, I finally have my own room. Yup its mine, all mine. My sister has to knock to enter, how crazy is that. Things are starting to look up for us. Not saying that they were down but the roller coaster ride is finally slowing down a little.

The untold story!!!

I really dont know what to pick. I have read so many amazing novels in which a secondary characters story is not told. At which point I can always come up with a story about them, about how their lives were, or what may have happend. I guess I could possibly write about this guy sitting in the library right now. He is sitting will three young children, one girl and two boys; all of which look to be in 1st or 2nd grade. I wonder what his story is like. There is no woman with him, no mother that I notice. He is helping them with their homework, giving the little girl a practice spelling test. I can hear him help her sound them out, she is smiling which I assume means that she got it correct. His jeans are not brand new on any account, they contain small holes. He yawns which shows his tiredness. For sure he is their father, for one of the boys asked him to check his work, "Dad will you check this?" I wonder where the mother is. Is she still in the picture? Is he a single dad just trying to make ends meet? The kids looked well taken care of, and happy, content. The little girl's tooth-less smile makes me laugh; she is so adorable. I do this with novels too. I think and think until I come up with a story that could have happened to the other characters. What were their days and nights like? Did they have a mother and father that they would return to on a Christmas night? I cant help but stare at this little family sitting no more then ten feet away from me. Its refreshing to see a loving family sitting down together, working and not arguing or fighting. I can only hope, even though they are secondary characters in my life story, that they have an amazing life, that they are happy, that they are loved, and that they are filled with hope and joy and peace.

Betrayal

I think the worst act of betrayal that I have ever experienced was that of betrayal against myself. I had betrayed my values, my self worth, and everything thing that I had ever worked to acheieve, all in one lonely night. I can still remember the smell that lingered in the air. I can still remember the way I felt, how much I hated the person staring back at me in the mirror. An image that was no longer a lie, but the deep painful truth of what I had become, of what I had done. Still to this day I find it hard to forgive myself. I sometimes dream about that day, these horrible nightmares that show the act in third person, a terrible realisation that the day actually happened. I bet your wondering by now what act, what day, I am speaking of; so I will tell you. It was the day that my father nearly bled to death here in Victorville. You may be asking yourself where I was at and why I cannot forgive myself for something that happened to my dad. But here is the thing that kills me everytime I think about it, like opening a wound that has finally started to heal, only to feel the pain of it all over again. That night father was laying in my aunts house screaming in pain, I was supposed to be camping with my mom and other relatives. But no! I was with my boyfriend, at the time, sleeping in his bed, having premarital sex, defiling my body and myself. This is not even the worse of it. My aunt called me to tell me that I needed to come home. My sister had been covering for my relationship for a long time and this time she just couldnt cover any longer. She told my aunt I wasnt there that I was spending the night at a guys house. (This already sounds bad, but it gets much worse) My aunt called and finally got a hold of me, at the time she was just mad that I wasnt where I was supposed to be. But when she found out that he was my boyfriend of almost a year and that we were having sex, she flipped. She wanted me home. I told her no! That if dad needed surgery that I would be there for that and that I would only show up to check out of school but that I was moving back with my mom. I was a coward. I didnt even have the decency to come home and talk it over with my dad who ended back at the hospital awaiting results that would determine if he needed surgery or not. I screamed and yelled and complained saying I hated living there, I wasnt comeing back, that I would pack my stuff and just leave. What daughter would say that to the people who care about her? I dont know, all I know is that I said it. After everything happend, my aunt told me that when my dad was screaming and crying in agony that I was the first person he wanted to see. Thats right he asked for me. His first born. He wanted ME by his side. And where was I? My dad was bleeding to death in complete pain and I....I was sleeping in some guys bed. That is the biggest betrayal I have every felt. And the worst part about it, was that it was I who betrayed myself. I still havent dealt with it well. I try not to think about it. I dont know if I will every forgive myself, I hope one day I can. But until then, it is just something I live with day in and day out; something that is constantly in the back of my mind. I betrayed ME that day, everything I stood for, everything thing I wanted and longed for; GONE.

Ouch!

Ouch! the word describes it all. The pain I feel. This heartache held deep within. Life, or what is left of it, is not the same. Pain is all you see when you stare into my eyes. How did it get this bad? What did I do? What action made you so disappointed in me? I knew it was bound to happen. I had dreams of watching you walk away. You turned you back on me. I tried to make you proud, to see how much I loved you. Did you see? Did you understand? All I wanted was to be there. To want you to want me to. I wanted it all to last. What went wrong? It had to be a couple of things, not just that one call. Things just got so complicated, so broken, and no matter how many times I try to fix it, you want nothing to do with it. Its over, its done and all that I have left is this hole left where you used to stand. But I guess I would rather feel the pain the feel nothing at all. The pain makes me remember that you were real. Not just my imagination. You were real. We were real.

Here is a song that describes pain in a new light:

Pain- Three Days Grace

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing

Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain

Gossip

What can I say about a topic that I hate? That's it! I hate gossip. I try my hardest not to gossip about anyone. But you see people have different definitions of gossip....let's see what a dictionary says....dictionary.com says that gossip is idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others. Yeah see I don't intentionally do that. I think it is wrong. I understand that sometimes people slip and gossip about others, I too have become subject to this action on occasion. However, I still feel that it is wrong. It amazes me that we even have shows about gossiping, as well as books. I mean, really? Do we really need to watch that crap? It just hurts people when you gossip. I don't know what else I can possibly say. Just please don't every gossip about me.

Free Topic #17

Okay do I really have to be a size zero to be a 10 in peoples 'Hot Book'; the stupid list that tells if your hot or not. I drives me nuts. Just when I feel like I'm falling back in love with the curves that I have, I get a stupid ass comment by someone that I kinda look up to. Okay tell me this, choir is based off vocal skills, right? That's what I thought too. But apparently not, cause I didn't get the duet piece that I wanted because I wouldn't look 'GOOD' standing next to the guy that got the male part of the duet. I understand that stage presense should be considered, however minamally. If it was drama I wouldn't even question it. I understand that you have to 'fit' the part not the other way around. If you don't fit the part then you don't get the part. THAT I understand. But with choir shouldn't it be based strictly on the ability of the singer to perform the piece? I don't understand why ,yet again, I'm not good enough for a certain piece of music that, personally, I kick ass at. But its whatever I guess. I'm not gonna change who I am for anyone but myself and his decision is a final one. I guess it turned out pretty good and I can't complain too much cause I got a whole song solo by myself. It just bugged me when this happened. I'm trying so hard to be myself, to love myself, and to just sing with passion. It's work so far, I just hope it continues.

Cheating

I can't stand you! Why do you think that just because you're skilled enough to not get caught that you can cheat? Someone worked their butts off finishing that project, studying for that test, writting that essay! Just cause you don't get busted doesn't make it right. I can't stand when people like you even ask to copy my papers or cheat off my tests. Life is not just going to throw itself at your feet. You have to walk a mile in the shoes it gives you first. I know life is hard; trust me I've been there and then back again. But you can get through it and let it make you stronger just like the rest of us. Freakin' dust yourself off and get back on that stupid ass bike and quit trying to take the easy way out of everything. Cheating is so not acceptable. It doesn't teach you anything. It hurts friendships, breaks up families, and gets you into a lot of unnecessary trouble. Just DO NOT cheat. How would you like it if you were seriously ill and needed surgery or something of that nature, and you found out that the only possible doctor to do your procedure had cheated his way, not only through high school, but medical school as well. Would you even consider letting him open you up and 'fix you'? I think not. It's just wrong. Plain wrong.

Free Topic #16

Seriously, when will you just grow up. You've always been a really good kid. Well okay, mostly good. You've done your best to get good grades, you've listened to dad and Rose for the last four years telling you what you NEED to do and what is expected of you. You've done all of this and then more. But seriously Christina, when are you going to stick up for yourself. Times have changed, you're old enough to make your own choices. Isn't that what they told you when you wanted to move here; "The decision is yours!" Why are you taking this statement half-way? Grow the hell up, find yourself, be your own person, for Pete's sake. Yes you have Ashley. Yes you love her. But dangit, if you don't do this, do it for yourself, you will go around kicking yourself. always living in the Land of What If. You don't want to go there. The more you talk to people about your situation, the more they say you need to get out, get out on your own. Even people who barely know you say why are you staying behind, you have worked your ass off these last four years getting straight A's and you're gonna stay here. If you won't listen to all of these people Christina, at least listen to your heart. The thing that has gotten you through everything in this life. What is it telling you? Yup, that's right. It's time for Daddy's little girl to spread those wings and fly. The only way you're ever going to know if you will make it in this "big, bad world" is if you get out there and try for yourself. Come on, GROW UP! Get some balls and say what's on your mind, tell them how you feel. You're not breaking promises. You're bettering yourself so that you can keep the promises you've made. You need to be YOU! Go, get out, fly little birdie, FLY!

Free Topic #15

I really want to get a tattoo. I want a music note on my wrist and I want a star somewhere but Im not sure where yet. When I turned 18 I thought that I would get one but I havent yet. I know its a big decision and something that I would have to live with for the rest of my life, tattoos are very permanent. So Im waiting it out, thinking long and hard about it. My dad has tattoos as well as my aunt, mom, sisters, and brothers. I would never get a guys name tattooed to my body though. No offense to the people that do, but I think it is stupid. Unless its your kids name or parents or grandparents or something like that then you dont need names tattoed to your body. Your husband may not always be your husband and your boyfriend may not always be your boyfriend. Same goes for the guys though. Wifes and girlfriends may not always be that. My mom got my stepdads name tattooed to her shoulder and even though it is small, I was extremely dissapointed in her and refused to talk to her for like 6 weeks. So the pictures are some ideas I have for a tattoo.

Free Topic #14

I cant stand being abandoned. I know this is a huge issue for me. And trust me Im trying to deal with it. But why on God's green earth do some people just not get it? Why do they feel they have the right to walk away, walk out of someone's life because its too hard or its just not 'working out' or whatever other lame ass excuse they come up with? Then, to top everything off, why do they feel they can just come walking back in and act as if they never left in the first place? I mean come on. Its just not right. The reason why im ranting and raving about this is because Ive had this happen tons of times to me, probably the cause of my abandonment issues. But anyways, Im getting to my point I promise, a few weeks ago my mom dragged me with her to take her brother David, my technical uncle, errand running. David did some pretty stupid stuff about five years ago or around that long ago. So he hasnt been around in a long time. But I dealt with that, I was getting over everything, dealing with the fact that he didnt want to be around us, and that he messed up his relationship with my mom. But, and here comes the part I cant stand, not him, but rather my mother, decides that it time for me and my sister to 'visit' him. What kind of crap is that? Worse she didnt tell me about it. I had to hear it over a message he left on her machine saying that he couldnt wait to see us and all this crap. I knew my mom had been helping him out lately because he is going through a divorce and everything but why the hell would she include me in this mess. She knows I hate that. But thats not even all of it. We went, bitching the whole way I mind you, but when we saw him he acted as if he were so glad to see us; saying we look good and that we have grown up and stuff. I felt like saying "well no shit Shorlock, maybe if you werent an ass and stayed in our lives you would have watched us grow up." of course I didnt say that, but I sure as hell thought it and thought it hard. So the whole afternoon was just dramatic. I dont know where the whole situation will end up but apparently this weekend my mom wants us to take him and his daughter Jenna to City Walk. Jenna I havent seen since she was like 3 or 4 and now she is 9. I couldnt believe it when he showed me her picture. So I will keep you updated.

Free Topic #13

We finally got a new house. Well hopefully. See we, meaning my dad really, put a bid on two houses. Both of which contain the same floor plan which is very cool. The only difference between the two houses is House #1 contains hard wood floors and a smaller backyard and is located on the corner of the street. House #2 doesn't have hard wood floors but still has nice tile and has a huge bakcyard and is located on the culdasac of the same street House #1 is located. Yup! That's right both houses are on the same street. How bizzare, I know. But Im really excited. Bid number two went through and we are just waiting to hear back from the bank approving everything. So we are most likely gonna get House #2, which I personally like better anyways. We are looking to be moving at the latter part of February which will be very cool. Im finally for the first time in my entire life going to have my own room, which I am soooo looking forward to. My own space. This is going to be fantastic. I cant wait. Oh and the kitchen is amazing. I love cooking and there is so much space versus our prior arrangements. There are like 12 plugs in the whole kitchen. Yay! A place for all our kitchen gadgets. So I will keep you people updated on the moving situation. (I say people like more then two are ever going to read this haha). P.s The picture is of a monkey "hanging" at his house. I thought it was very cute.

Free Topic #12

So first semster is finally over. It hasn't hit me completely yet, but only one semseter left and I'm finished with high school. It's over, done, finished. Only 18 weeks left. I bet the emotions will hit me soon enough.

So update from a previous blog that was talking about the fact that I think that I'm passing up my own dreams. I still haven't figured things out. I have no clue what I want to do for MYSELF. Things are just so complicated, and Im so torn on the situation. I feel like if I go away and do what I feel I need to do, then Im being selfish and I hate that feeling. But then again, I feel that if I stay and forget my dreams and hopes, then Im being stupid and will live to regret it.

I was talking to two friends today and they both told me that I need to get out and fly. I need to spread my wings and soar. Hey I think I just came up with a poem idea.

Flight

Something I wish to feel

The wind beneath my wings

The air brushing my cheek

Please, just give me the chance

Give me the chance to breathe

Let me feel the sun from both sides

Allow me to soar

If I fall know I will be back

Keep your arms open wide

And wait for your daughter

Wait for her to arrive.

I wonder if I will ever fly. I wish so badly to just soar. To spred my wings and take off. But I feel as if my wings are broken, crushed by the weight of this world, the pressures of My world. Maybe there are holes in my wings or they are defective somehow. All I can wonder is if I will find the power to make them new again, sooner rather then later I hope.

Free Topic #11

Get a grib,
Get your feelings back.
Quit with the razor to your wrists,
life is better then that.

Wake up and smile,
declare a new day.
Quit making excuses,
for why you dismay.

Just like the clouds leave the sky,
so too will this darkness
leave the irises
of your hazel eyes.

Life is to short
to cut it shorter,
so stand up,
come on and play the life sport.



I saw this picture titled Get a Grip. It was a photo of a hand with the wrist slit and it was grabing on like a shower door. Its always fancinated me; the aspect of art that is. I've had writer's block for months now and finally this poem came to mind after seeing this photo. So there it is, the first thing I've written in months.

Ignorance= Bliss?

Im not sure if I believe that ignorance is bliss. I mean for certain circumstances maybe ignorance can share the characteristics of bliss, but Im not entirely certain. I dont know, it's hard to explain. Okay senerio; You're excited that you have a new boyfriend. Everything is fantastic, you both have a great time together and you share everything. You guys are always together; or so you thought. One day you find out that he has been with another girl. You're crushed! You think maybe if I wouldn't have found out, I would still be blissful. Ignorance is so bliss!
My answer to that is I DON'T THINK SO! I mean come on, everyone is hurt after a hard breakup and yeah you may think that if you wouldn't have found out then everything would still be okay. But what happens if you became sexual with this person and then found out later that he gave you an STD, then would ignorance be bliss. I think not! But even if the latter part didnt happen. I think even going through the breakup, however hurtful it may have been, are you not stronger because of it. I think everything happens for a reason. If we all walk around thinking if we are ignorant then nothing bad will ever happen to us, that we will always be happy-go-lucky, then I think we are only kidding ourselves. We are supposed to get hurt every now and then. We just have to get back up. It's like riding a bike. No matter how many times you fall down, you must get back on and keep on trucking. If you walk around acting like you've never fallen off the bike in the first place then you're just acting dumb.

New Year Resolutions

The new year has finally come.....YAY!!! Well I really hate setting new year resolutions because I NEVER stick to them....Its pretty unrealistic to set them....But this year Im going to do something different.....My new year's resolution is to perfect ME.....I wanna turn myself into the person I see myself as....the person I want to be....Imma do things I want to do and experience things for myself. Im tired of being what other people want and expect me to be....this year Imma just be ME....the best person I can be. So Im not setting a goal saying I wanna lose 50 pounds (although that is one goal =) ) and Im not gonna set a goal saying Im never going to say another mean thing to anyone....(cuz that will probably happen a couple times) but Im just going to set a resolution to think about me this year....to revamp myself so to speak.
Bring in '09, coz it is all so mine. =)