Free Topic #20

How much strength does one person need? Is it an inch, a mile? Does it matter how much you have? Can you get through the day without it? Do people honestly look at other's shoes? Is it really bad to color your hair? Do guys really like smart women? Do women like jocks because they are cool?

Many questions puzzle my mind daily. Some of them are dumb, like what should I wear today. But most of the time they are serious questions, like what am I going to do with the rest of my life? What kind of man will I marry? How many kids will we have? Things about my future just seem so distant. I remember when I finally turned 16 a few years back, I never pictured the day. I never thought I would make it that far. Even now as I look to see what my future has in store, I cant picture what I will be like when Im 25. Its like the dark abiss that is completely unknown and totally intimidating. Its like walking in a hallway with no lights on and just trying to feel your way to the end without tripping and breaking your neck. :) The future is just a broad subject, no one ever really knows what it has instore for us.

Free Topic #19

Its Time

Its time to heal

Its time to see

Stop justifying the problem

Its not about me

No more ashes

No more tears

Full of hatred

And no more fears

You gave me hope

Then snatched it away

You turned you back on me

While I just wished youd stay

The time has come

For me to stand

And not allow you

To defy who I am

I wrote this a couple of days ago. It was really quick and simple and kinda just came to me. Sometimes I feel as if I am letting other people defy who I am, who I see myself as, my self-worth so to speak. I realized that I cannot do that. What other people do, other peoples problems, they have nothing to do with me or how I should see myself. My self-worth is not defined by how others feel about me. Its MY SELF-worth. Its all about me, my attitude, my confidence. This is something that I have struggled with for a long time. I have never really felt super special, never really felt like anything I do matters. But even if it doesnt matter to others, it matters to me. How I see MYSELF should be more important then how other stupid people who barely know me see me. I am me. And no one is going to change that. You cant defy who I AM.

Free Topic #18

We finally moved!!!!

I have been so excited about moving and the day finally got here. Saturday the 7th we finally moved into our new place. Well technically we were sleeping at the house sooner then that. The moday before me and my sister went back up to the old apartment and found out that they had turned the water off. We freaked. We spent one more night in the apartment and the next day we moved all our clothes and things we needed on a regular basis and we were actually sleeping in our new house. It was crazy. Part of it still hasnt hit me that its ours. Our HOME. I know that the house does not make the home, but that it is the people that make up the house that create the home. However feeling comfortable in your own house, enough to actually unpack boxes, makes a hell of a difference. The best part about the house besides the amazing kitchen, I finally have my own room. Yup its mine, all mine. My sister has to knock to enter, how crazy is that. Things are starting to look up for us. Not saying that they were down but the roller coaster ride is finally slowing down a little.

The untold story!!!

I really dont know what to pick. I have read so many amazing novels in which a secondary characters story is not told. At which point I can always come up with a story about them, about how their lives were, or what may have happend. I guess I could possibly write about this guy sitting in the library right now. He is sitting will three young children, one girl and two boys; all of which look to be in 1st or 2nd grade. I wonder what his story is like. There is no woman with him, no mother that I notice. He is helping them with their homework, giving the little girl a practice spelling test. I can hear him help her sound them out, she is smiling which I assume means that she got it correct. His jeans are not brand new on any account, they contain small holes. He yawns which shows his tiredness. For sure he is their father, for one of the boys asked him to check his work, "Dad will you check this?" I wonder where the mother is. Is she still in the picture? Is he a single dad just trying to make ends meet? The kids looked well taken care of, and happy, content. The little girl's tooth-less smile makes me laugh; she is so adorable. I do this with novels too. I think and think until I come up with a story that could have happened to the other characters. What were their days and nights like? Did they have a mother and father that they would return to on a Christmas night? I cant help but stare at this little family sitting no more then ten feet away from me. Its refreshing to see a loving family sitting down together, working and not arguing or fighting. I can only hope, even though they are secondary characters in my life story, that they have an amazing life, that they are happy, that they are loved, and that they are filled with hope and joy and peace.

Betrayal

I think the worst act of betrayal that I have ever experienced was that of betrayal against myself. I had betrayed my values, my self worth, and everything thing that I had ever worked to acheieve, all in one lonely night. I can still remember the smell that lingered in the air. I can still remember the way I felt, how much I hated the person staring back at me in the mirror. An image that was no longer a lie, but the deep painful truth of what I had become, of what I had done. Still to this day I find it hard to forgive myself. I sometimes dream about that day, these horrible nightmares that show the act in third person, a terrible realisation that the day actually happened. I bet your wondering by now what act, what day, I am speaking of; so I will tell you. It was the day that my father nearly bled to death here in Victorville. You may be asking yourself where I was at and why I cannot forgive myself for something that happened to my dad. But here is the thing that kills me everytime I think about it, like opening a wound that has finally started to heal, only to feel the pain of it all over again. That night father was laying in my aunts house screaming in pain, I was supposed to be camping with my mom and other relatives. But no! I was with my boyfriend, at the time, sleeping in his bed, having premarital sex, defiling my body and myself. This is not even the worse of it. My aunt called me to tell me that I needed to come home. My sister had been covering for my relationship for a long time and this time she just couldnt cover any longer. She told my aunt I wasnt there that I was spending the night at a guys house. (This already sounds bad, but it gets much worse) My aunt called and finally got a hold of me, at the time she was just mad that I wasnt where I was supposed to be. But when she found out that he was my boyfriend of almost a year and that we were having sex, she flipped. She wanted me home. I told her no! That if dad needed surgery that I would be there for that and that I would only show up to check out of school but that I was moving back with my mom. I was a coward. I didnt even have the decency to come home and talk it over with my dad who ended back at the hospital awaiting results that would determine if he needed surgery or not. I screamed and yelled and complained saying I hated living there, I wasnt comeing back, that I would pack my stuff and just leave. What daughter would say that to the people who care about her? I dont know, all I know is that I said it. After everything happend, my aunt told me that when my dad was screaming and crying in agony that I was the first person he wanted to see. Thats right he asked for me. His first born. He wanted ME by his side. And where was I? My dad was bleeding to death in complete pain and I....I was sleeping in some guys bed. That is the biggest betrayal I have every felt. And the worst part about it, was that it was I who betrayed myself. I still havent dealt with it well. I try not to think about it. I dont know if I will every forgive myself, I hope one day I can. But until then, it is just something I live with day in and day out; something that is constantly in the back of my mind. I betrayed ME that day, everything I stood for, everything thing I wanted and longed for; GONE.

Ouch!

Ouch! the word describes it all. The pain I feel. This heartache held deep within. Life, or what is left of it, is not the same. Pain is all you see when you stare into my eyes. How did it get this bad? What did I do? What action made you so disappointed in me? I knew it was bound to happen. I had dreams of watching you walk away. You turned you back on me. I tried to make you proud, to see how much I loved you. Did you see? Did you understand? All I wanted was to be there. To want you to want me to. I wanted it all to last. What went wrong? It had to be a couple of things, not just that one call. Things just got so complicated, so broken, and no matter how many times I try to fix it, you want nothing to do with it. Its over, its done and all that I have left is this hole left where you used to stand. But I guess I would rather feel the pain the feel nothing at all. The pain makes me remember that you were real. Not just my imagination. You were real. We were real.

Here is a song that describes pain in a new light:

Pain- Three Days Grace

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand

This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing

Rather feel pain
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain