Hard work!!!

Never let anyone tell you that a little bit of hard work never pays off....

It seems like all I ever say anymore is "I have too much stuff to do", but you know what....all the shit I have been through lately is paying off tremendously. I went to my stats class tonight, totally forgeting that my professor still had the exam we took a while back. I talked to a classmate who said that the average in the class was in the 60's....Im thinking "great I just flunked the exam then....", well after class I approached my professor and got my exam. I didnt bomb at all, 91% baby. I kicked ass.

Also been trying to get my room squared away right....well I got it completed in one day. My bed came and was put together and feels amazing to sleep in. I got the rug that matches perfectly with all my stuff....and although I didnt get a new dresser, the dresser I do have works perfectly in the space....everything seems to be going good right....HAHAHA

Seems is the operative word here....I did not think one person could be under such stress but leave it to me to put myself in the situation that stress is all I have....again I have slipped into the habit of putting everyone else before myself...which isnt necessarily the problem until my school work started to slip too. I have a midterm tomorrow in my psych class and Im not entirely sure how Im going to pull it off. I am just thankful that it is all multiple choice, at least then I have a good chance of guessing right.

Then to add to all the other stresses of being there for my friends and getting all my school stuff done, my family is having money issues. This fact hit me hard because I cant help for now. Its a horrible feeling, knowing that no matter what you do its just not going to be enough right now. Like Im cutting back on the expenses that I cause the family, and Im trying my hardest to get a job....but its not looking so good. But Im never going to give up...I cant.

To top everything off, Im slowly starting to miss my dad more and more. I just cant deal with that too right now. Everything is going good in life and I want it to continue. I cant add drama that I am trying so hard to avoid. I see people with their dads and stuff hanging around town and I miss that...we used to do everything together...shop, cook, talk, watch movies, everything. But its whatever I guess. Eventually I know that we will rekinddle our relationship, I know so because I want him to be apart of my future kids lives. I dont want my kids going through the same stuff I went through with my grandfather. I will prevent that as much as I can.

Anyways, Im off to rewrite my english essay. Good night. Sleep tight! And to the world of dreams, see the beauty in the things your might be missing!

If only they would Stop!

The world we see when slumber takes us, is supposed to be beautiful, serene. But I sit here wiping the tears that are streaming down my cheeks, praying that I never dream again. I dont even know where to begin with what I saw, what I experienced. Im not sure who the guy was that was stalking me, or how he even ended up in my car. All I know is when I saw Ray was back in town it all finally hit home. I was being stalked by a guy, felt completely and utterly uncomfortable with him, but then why would I be driving him home alone, and why on earth when I saw Ray would I pretend that we were together. Why did I turn Ray away? And where on earth did the kid come from. All these things are plauging my mind right now. And I know that these wouldnt be considered a nightmare on other peoples terms, they typically think nightmares are like horror movie scary. But this was more scary then anyone could ever realize. And for me to wake up with tears in my eyes, I hope I never dream again.

A lilttle less stress....

So I have been trying to figure out a way to get a bed for my new room...been stressing out like crazy cause I desperately want out of my house...well today I got enough cash to cover a bed and possible a rug, if not a new dresser. So hopefully I'm looking to be out by the end of this week...yay me! That is officially just one less thing I have to stress on. But I still have a full to do list that looks a little like this:

My To Do List:

Finish moving things out of new room.

Host another yard sale.

Do extensive cleaning of new room.

Finish outline for Comm class.

Write essay for English.

Catch up on reading for Psych

Catch up on reading for Comm

Catch up on reading for English

Do work that I missed for English two weeks ago.

Pack up my room.

Move furniture into the new room.

Put new bed together.

Unpack boxes and organize new room.

Help Lacey get her son's room cleaned and organized.

Take Courtney to see Spence and Deb.

Hang out there for a little bit.

Figure out what the hell has happened to Ray.

Clean the house.

Start working out again and perfecting me for me.

Do laundry.

And finally figure out what I'm going to do about a certain someone.....still so freaking confused.

This last one is a long story...but to make it short...I just need to figure out feelings about something and figure out what I wanna do or not do about them.

I talk to Joey tonight for the first time in a while. He is all excited about a new girl and I'm really happy for him. Things never worked out between us but I still want him happy. Any ways so I talked to him and he opened my eyes to something I might not have been seeing...but I'm still nervous. I don't wanna rush into something again and get my heart thrown in a blender again...I'm not sure if I can go through that again. I don't want to give up all hope but a girl's got to be cautious. These walls I have built up have been there for so long and I don't know if I'm ready or able to tear them down all by myself. I don't know whats going to happen with this new situation. I honestly was not looking for something new.....as soon as I stopped looking though this is what happened.....its like Lace Face said so many months back...I cant keep up a bubble...it just doesn't happen....

So I apparently started writing again, (duh I'm writing this) but a few nights ago I also started drawing again. It started to turn into just so tattoo ideas and I love them...I colored them which killed them for tattoo designs but I'm going to complete this whole page of just colored designs then I'm going to go back and make them in just black and white for my tattoos I want to get. Hopefully I either get my first tattoo for my birthday or I get my lip pierced...I'm kinda hoping for the lip just because I want it really really bad...but if I get both then sweet....hahah.....I don't....but I'm going to head back to myspace and facebook for now....play a few games cause I'm still not sleeping...then hopefully tire myself into a stupor hahah...Night y'all!

Just another day!

So the new bedding I bought rocks! I swear I did not want to get outta bed this morning. But I did!

Went to Lace's for a study session, in which hardly any studying went on. I dont know what it is but when I get around those girls, I feel like Im no longer invisible, like they really see me for me, like I dont have to hide anymore. They really seem to care about me and when I tell them about things going on in my life, mostly boys right now, and well school, they seem to really understand and give some great advice. I know that Im not ready to jump into something new right away, that I need to figure stuff out within myself. I have been hurt so much, and have gone through so much shit this past year or so, that I just need to take time for me. I love those girls though....they truly are amazing friends.

Anyways!

So this are still pretty much the same....My room is still not done, which is really starting to stress me out and annoy me. But good news is that tomorrow Im hosting another yard sale...hopefully I will get enough money to cover my bed so that I wont be sleeping on the floor. Im crossing my fingers.

A little side note:

Im really worrying about school. I love school. School is the only good thing going for me right now. But lately I have gotten really behind and Im not sure how to completely catch up. Every time I sit down to study and get things caught up, my mind switches to something else. I start thinking about them....wonder what they are doing....how they are. Certain things constantly plague my mind, causing me to lose all focus. I have an outline for my Communications class due next week, plus an essay, plus having to catch up on reading for Psych, Comm, and English. Agh!!! I dont possibly know how Im going to get it all done, but I know that I can. I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this. That I cant fail. Thats what my Dad is waiting for....for me to fail and come crawling back to him. But I wont do it. I will finish what I started. I will make something of myself and prove that I am a strong woman. I will finish school and start a career and make a family and live happily ever after. This will work. I know it will!

Day One!

So back in older posts I said I was going to keep producing this even after High School was over...it's now, what, at least 4 months later, and I figured it was about time to continue this....if nothing else then to start me writing again.

Updates on life:

Living with mom has had it's ups and downs, more ups than downs, however things are beginning to become a little rocky. Mostly it has to do with not having my own breathing room, my own space, a place to call "just mine". I hate complaining about things, I really do. There are kids out in third world countries that never even get their own rooms, let along their own food. I think about how much I have in this life. I have shelter and food and water...and damn it I even have a running toilet. I sit back and wonder what life would be like without all these amenities and I cannot even possibly picture my life being any different. I truly have no regrets about things that have happened lately....not about experiencing new things with Matt, or watching Ray walk out of my life for now. I don't regret anything. Sometimes I lay in bed at night thinking about how things would be different if certain things hadn't happened, what would my life be like? Would I have met the same people? Learned the same things? Experienced as much as I have? I embrace this new life. Because frankly my old life shaped the woman I am today, but my past is not about to determine who I become in the future. I don't want to be held back any longer, not by doubts, not by fears, not by rules and regulations. Life is here one day and maybe gone the next. Why not embrace all that Life has to offer?

Anyways so back to updates: (:D)

So college has started and really is almost half way through the first semester, and although I didn't get to go away like I had originally wanted, I'm still getting an education and meeting some amazing people that I hope I can stay friends with forever. My psych class has turned from an exciting class into one that I am annoyed with, something I used to enjoy has now been turned into something I dread. I'm not entirely sure why it has done so at this point, and nor do I care. English is a blast. My professor is hilarious, from discussing buying a 30 pack outside of class, to addressing marijuana. I never walk out of that class disappointed. I'm pretty sure I can thank my high school English teachers for helping me to fall in love with the art of writing. My public speaking class is entertaining and has already taught me a lot about communication that I think most of us take for granted daily. Its changed my outlook on how messages are sent and received and how cultural backgrounds can distort an intended message and the actual message that is heard. And then there is Stats. Again the professor has his moments where he is annoying as hell, but mostly we walk out of class gaining some knowledge and having had a few laughs in the class. I was hoping college was going to be something incredibly different from high school, and in some ways it is, don't get me wrong, but maybe its because I didn't move away from home like i had hoped, that I don't feel like I'm experiencing college the way movies and TV shows portray it. I know this is a stupid thing in the first place because real life is not remotely similar to the fictional life that they portray on the TV screen, but my understanding of college and my expectations are incredibly different from what I am experiencing. My only hope is that in further studies and semesters that what I wanted will find me after all, or maybe rather what I have NEEDED will present itself to me.

So a change of though,

I'm not one for crying, viewing it as a weakness, like I am a child that is broken and bruised, but lately all I find myself doing is crying. I cry myself to sleep out of just pure exhaustion. I cry when I remember the guys that have hurt me and taking pieces away from me. I cry of lost loved ones and lost opportunities. I cry for the years that I lost playing the "grown up". I cry for the children that are abused daily, for the women who are raped and molested, for the men that feel too macho to express any emotion other then pure anger. I cry for things I can control, and then because I cannot control the tears that streak my face, I weep even more. I think I have shed more tears in the past few weeks then I have since Grandma died 8 years ago. I feel at my ultimate low. Completely broken, having nothing left to offer anyone other then a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. I have no words to speak, no advice to give anymore. So many pieces of me have been shattered over the years that I'm not even certain if the same person I was so many years ago even exists today, and whether that is a positive thing I am not sure. I thought that I had found myself again after things happened. But maybe all I had found was a person I wished I could have been. I used to say the scared little girl that has been hidden within me for so many years has finally escaped and I am free of her. But now with everything that is going on, I feel nothing but intense fear. Fear of being alone, being abandoned. Fear of being ugly and unattractive. Fear of never finding peace. Fear of being truly unlovable. This little girl has returned and taken captive of the woman I am supposed to become, and I'm uncertain of how to retrieve her. But sleep is drawing near tonight, and as Slumber captures me, my only hope is that tomorrow the sun awakens me to a bright and beautiful morning. Good night all!