Free Topic #5

Sometimes I wonder if I'm putting my dreams on hold. Like with college. I thought I wanted to go out of state, but now it seems like I'm being pushed into going to VVC. Sometimes I feel like Im worrying to much about making everyone else happy that Im killing myself inside. I dont know how to fix it. I want to help my family and friends, but where is the balance for what they want for me and what I want for myself. Its like a trapt feeling, never pleasing myself but never being able to please them, too. Sometimes I dont know if there truly is a balance between the two. I wish there was. More then anything. I just dont know what to do anymore. Im worried about all these this that are coming shortly in the future. Im scared outta my mind. Where am I going to be? What am I going to be doing? If someone was to sit me down and ask me where I saw myself in five, ten, twenty years, I doubt that I could answer. I just dont know where I see myself. I hope that it would include establishing a great career and a family but I just dont know.
Also, something else that has been bugging me. Why do I truly want a relationship with my mom? After everything she has done and put me through, why do I still crave that love and approval? Why cant I just hate her like I want to so very much? It would make everything so much easier. If I could just hate her and walk away then she couldnt hurt me anymore. I couldnt torture myself, wanting something that I will never get. I dont think that my mom is physically or mentally capable of loving me. I have tried so hard for so long to win her approval and I dont think she ever even tried to give it to me. Sometimes I feel as if Im never good enough, that no matter what I do will ever be good enough. I know its not true by looking at my accomplishments, but I dont like the way that not having her love and approval makes me feel inferior. Agh!!!! I just wish things could be so different. I know that no matter how much I wish that it would change, it wont. I wish I knew what was going to happen to me, I wish that I knew absolutly that everything was going to work out okay. I guess part of me knows that it will. I guess Im just super impatient about certain things.